Last night I was pretty darn depressed, or angry at first. So I took a Vicadin or two and some energy spray stuff and a few mountain dews and the resulting emotional crash and collapse resulted in this here, something that started as a AIM log message for when someone I was talking to returned, but then overflowed into an email, which turned really into a total emptying of myself without any mental restraints, in a way I found to be brutally honest with how I feel and view my life in general sometimes and the way I interact with other people.

So here it is, my half lucid rant which may just be the emotional masterpiece of my mind.





"Tears come from a tear in someone's heart, like a rip, a hole, a crack, when you are broken, or torn, you spill your heart in tears,tears from tears, cracks, holes, I have holes in my heart, I cant fill them no matter how I try, no one seems to fit there, it seems to be empty, and tears come out from those holes when something that fits one it taken away.

I don't blame you, you were tired, sleepy, you had things to do, things and people and things for people to do, lots of places and people, needing you and you needing them, you need those people to, to fill your holes, so you don't cry your heart out with tears.

I.
Will.
Wait.
I can wait.
My body isn't tired.
Just my heart.
See my heart, it has a place for you in it, a special place.
Special place.

I need friends, I want friends, I trust people, I throw my trust on people, but I never got it back, I try, I try to be nice to people, I try to make friends, I get my feelings hurt, they leave and forget about me, but I remember them, I remember when they leave and hurt me, I remember their words, or their lack of words.
Some their lack of words hurt the most, they never bothered to say anything, I never was worth saying anything.
But your good friend, you give me words, you give me time, you give your life in little bits. Giving time and words is giving your life, people give their lives little by little for many little things.
You give your life for me.
I give my life for people, but I get so little life in return.
Isn't life just that, isn't that what we need? Isn't it what we all want?
We need other people's lives, in exchange for our own.
We trade lives, but some people get ripped off.
I feel like that many times.
I give, but then, I don't get.
So I feel drained, I give away my life, and don't get any back.
I'm sorry if I take too much life from you.
I can't say I don't mean to, because deep down I do.
I can't say I'm sorry.
I can't excuse it, but I do it anyway.
I just...I just...I just need someone, I've always needed someone, someone like a mentor, someone like a good, real leader, like a big brother, a real, true, good friend, a companion that can lead and hand me down...life.
...
...
...I'm such a fool.
I'm a lie, I'm a lie, deep down I'm a lie.
I'm so fake, all my belief is such a fake.
I cry out for it, and I study it.
I can describe it, but I'm starving for it.
I am blind giving direction to the seeing.
I'm so ashamed.
I'm so ashamed of myself.
I know it's been a lie deep down, and it shows, it shows.
I don't have faith.
No faith.
No wonder my words are empty and no one heeds them, they can taste the lie in the tears of my heart.
I can feel my heart, it aches, I can feel it in my chest, aching...no...it's crying.
It's crying because of the hole, the tear in my heart, ripping me up, empty.
Not empty, full of tears.

So quiet...
I'm so ungrateful.
I've got so much, but really...what do I have?
I don't know...what makes me happy.
Does taking other people's lives make me happy? Taking little bits and pieces, to try and fill up mine?
So empty, sitting alone, playing alone, dreaming alone.
Dreaming to be alone...isn't that like wishing for death?

Why?
Why can't things work for me?
Things just don't work.
I try to build, and it falls apart.
I try...sooooooooo haaaard...but it just falls apart.
I can't ever make anything, I just give, give, give...I grew up giving, giving, serving, serving, caring, watching, waiting, pleasing, dreaming.
If someone shows the slightest interest in me, even if deep down I know it's fake, or general, or a face they put on...it just makes me soooo happy inside. I become sooo loyal to them, I'll do anything, anything for them, anything.
But if they show me it was all fake...why not just have killed me? They took my life, they took my life, stole it from me with lies and deception, using me again, with no regard to what they are doing or hurting or taking.
Such little things let me know, just a pause, a thank you, a look in my eye, look at me with kindness, look at me with honesty and care, please, please...people just look at me and really care.
Just a little, I just want a little, tiny bit, just a moment of your life, just a little bit.

I think I only work, the only reason I work at my job is because my bosses thank me. That's all they do, I don't even think about the money, I just want the thank you at the end of the task, just a "good job"...good job, you pleased me, you helped me, thank you for it, you made me happy, and thank you, this little bit of me, it's for you, this tiny bit...that's all I need, just a taste.
I get addicted to things so easily because the smallest sensation or pleasure I will cling to.
I wonder if all people are like that, clinging and begging for scraps of attention or emotion or life...or am I just starving for it, and they don't think about it...who knows, they don't act like it, they don't act like they want little bits of life from me, or maybe mine is not good enough, or maybe they just take it through other ways...I bet that's it.

I'm so sad...so sad, I could just collapse, go away and things be fixed...just let things be fixed, let them all go away tomorrow, all get better.
Better, can't things just get a little bit better?
But it seems I just get things so I can lose them along with my life I put into them.
With every broken piece, every part that wont work, every sore tooth, every little thing, it's like I die. I lose my life that I put into it...and I die, because it's gone.

Gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone...goooooooone.
Cry, cracks in my heart and my life slips away.

How can I sleep?
How can I close my eyes?
It's all just so sad, so depressing.
"Goodnight" good...night.
My night isn't good, it's bad and sad and it hurts and I'm alone and dying.
Every little thing I lose...dying.
I died a lot today, it wasn't a good morning, or a good afternoon, or a good evening, or a good night. People tell me "good morning" and I can't reply. Mine wasn't good, mine was bad.
My day was bad, I died a lot."